Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!