Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
You Might Also Like
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Going to church you guys need anything
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
This will never not be funny to me.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer