wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
These 3D printers are insane!
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”