Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face