Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.