Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

when the buffet is more honest than your date

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.