Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did