Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.