WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
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Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.