WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
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The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!