Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

My patience has stretch marks.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…