WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW