Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”