WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
You Might Also Like
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
just left a huge legacy in there
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*