Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

don’t be scared

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

“no gods no masters” = leo

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-