Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave