wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
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It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.