wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun