wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”![]()
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One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
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People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I’d love this…lol
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
#Caturday
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which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.