Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

The Onion called it…again.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.