Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
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*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”