Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

opening twitter today

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.