Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dishonest mechanic?

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

Erm I’m gonna say no

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.