WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
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Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit