Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

reviewed some movies recently

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

I gave my kids one last chance to stop playing with their whistle in the house.

But they blew it.

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again