Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.