Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney