Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
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Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
TRAIN’S HERE
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get