Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
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God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
absolute chaos
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one