Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

selfie game

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.