Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
You Might Also Like
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff