Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously