Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Genius idea!!
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.