Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”