Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.