Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.