Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

The Onion called it…again.

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*