Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
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Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.