Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
went fishing caught a bass
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
