Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
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[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that