Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
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I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.