Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?