Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
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Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
It’s an epidemic…
