Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Most fashion shows these days…

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

Are you a cat person or a person person?

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color