Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.