Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

(more comics:

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.