Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

Does your wife know you’re single?

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”