Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

😂😂

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.