Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
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One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.