Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

Okay, I’m still confused…

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael