Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

britain’s three elite institutions

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.