Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
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Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.