Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.