Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

Every house has this drawer

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

nobody’s gonna understand

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂