Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

so this horse walks into a bar

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Mood.. 😂

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

all bases covered