Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
You Might Also Like
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie