Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

My first child will be named New Folder.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”