WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her![]()
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Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[loses house key, starts a new life]
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.