Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
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[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
when someone compliments me
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
New favorite tiktok
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else