Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.