Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Livid.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

#catsoftwitter

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

the answer was staring at me all along

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.