Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
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facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”