Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frog purse.

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow