Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
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FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
🍞🦆
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My therapist after every session
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.