Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

They did not miss in the small print

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……