Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
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My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
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ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini