Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.