WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
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before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
can’t talk my ride’s here
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Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Oh hi lol
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Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”